It happens to me when I am alone. Something tugs at my heart and tells me "I am Alone!" Then the struggle begins, I fight the state of being alone. I call other people asking them to join me somehow so that I am not alone, because alone to me means lonely. It reminds of being doomed to loneliness. I am taken to the time when I was small, just seven, when I was left alone at home. I had working parents. I would come to an empty home, just four walls and TV and would stare wondering what to do. Then there was no phone either. I would just stare at everything and fall asleep unknown to me. I hated it, I was scared, I wanted my grandparents. They were far away. I am reminded of those times now, nineteen years of being alone. When I am alone I don't know what to do, there is always work to do like: laundry, write scripts, learn songs, dance, read, but everything eludes me just then. People I talk to say go out, go out where? I have friends but that's not what I want. I like my friends, but I want someone permanent in my life who never leaves me alone. I know there is a huge difference in being alone and being lonely; but both these states make no difference to me. I wonder how how other people like being alone. Most of those people have never been left alone when they were small. This sounds like self-pity; sure it is, but I am sad, sad that I have to be alone. I hate being alone, just like someone around, it helps me work better, think better. I used to tell my mother to stay at home when I had to study during exams because that helped me concentrate better. It is an irony though that when someone is with me I like being left alone to do my own things. Strange, that is what makes me think of Sylvia Plath's quote about wanting two mutually -exclusive things, therefore concluding the neurosis in her. I think I completely relate to that. This is a strange state.
But you know when I say this, this thought comes to my mind; where God tells me that God has always been there with me. That's very true, because God has been there. I cry to God, I laugh to God, I love God. I don't consider myself ritualistic but when I did install a semblance of a small 'temple' in my room, that's when my apartment felt like home. It just made me happy. So God tells me that I have never been alone, because God has always been with me. I am not denying that, but in those very states I look at God as an external entity and cry to Him and Her. I get into blaming my past, looking at that as responsible for my state now, which forces me to cling to someone. I don't really know what to do about this because this state forces me to contemplate marriage. That's the worst solution, and the worst reason to get into a permanent commitment; my brain tells me that and that will not solve the problem either; then what will? I continue to ponder: my "aloneness" is not different from loneliness.