Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Why I haven't I written till now, I don't know. You have inspired me to write when I am happy. I have always written when I am sad. I don't know what it feels like, it seems complete. Can I continue running with you? Will you hug me like that always? Will you love me always? Touch my hair, I like it when you touch it. It flows in your hand. Oh that skin, smooth, watery... i want to giggle, hahhahhhaaaa, girly giggles. Let my toungue touch yours, hmmmm, I know that. I have always known that. Hmmmmmm. I hear your heart beat into mine, tak tak tak tak, that is music. Feel this, feel the warmth, hahhhaaaa, oh come on, stop that, you bite really hard. The teeth enter my skin and feel like they were meant to pierce me. I love it when u say that my look stops you, I didn't know I was capable of that. aaahhh, My lips touched yours, smooth, smooth. I have been there before, but never like this. Mmmmch! mmmmcchh! I want to give this a name, but then I wonder why name matters so much, it just can't be given a name. Or may be it can, is it love, friendship, liking, adoration, attraction, compatibility, attachment, vulnerability, fondness? I guess all of this and something more. I know whe you say that you are scared of love, I too am, that is a dicy term. Has put me in a fix a lot times. I don't know love, I know God and God can see this, feel this with me. This is just beautiful, thank god, for beauty exists, it exists in me, in you, in all of us, you gave vent to it. What is it about your eyes, your smile that make me falter? what do you express in that look that i understand? What is in those words that I know? I know nothing and everything all at once, this knowledge is enlightening. For once I don't want to think about 'why nobody loves me in a particular way?' I don't know if it is in the way you do, but it feels great. I miss you, but I feel you in your absent presence. Your smell lingers on my body, nice smell, known smell. I didn't know I could smell like that. muah! I love myself. hahhhahhaa, catch me! Yes i am running, hmmm, I know you will catch me soon, somewhere, somehow. This is how God feels, aaaahhhhh!

Monday, November 27, 2006

You and I

I see that look in your eyes
I know it. I see it in mine.
I feel your lips, wet and smooth
They feel like mine.

So smooth your hands move on me,
They feel like mine.
Your heart beats like mine,
I hear it in me.

"mmmuah!" and some more, mouth doesn't stop.
Feels like mine.
"ting tong!" Take away your hands, your eyes, your heart!
Cut them out. They say all that isn't mine.
"Look at the age!" they say.

Can I hide in you? Will I be seen?
You say you have to let go, but you mine!
You are running?
"Hahhhahhhhhaaaaaaaaa!" You just took me with you!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

I jumped over the wall, i saw a fence.
I climbed the fence, it pricked,
I climbed nevertheless.
It was all blank then.
Where is the sea, why did I climb?

They told me it was here,
A right from school, left from college,
study,study, struggle, struggle,
then the wall, then the fence.

I see no sea. I walk on the sand
my feet sink, I sink.
I shriek, "teacher, teacher".
They say, "lift your left hand slowly, breathe in..."
My hands have sunk, can't lift it. They continue.
I die.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Hold my hand. It slips, don't you see?
So hold my hand.

Your hand, your hand, your hand!
What about mine? Dusty it is.
Dust never leaves.

Dust holds, then it doesn't slip.
But dirty they will be, our hands.

Did you say our? Your, you are worried about yours.

Dusty hands, slippery hands, hands all the same.
Thrust them into mine, I shall thrust mine into yours,
Together we thrust, together we feel.
But dust never leaves, nor does sweat, dirtier it gets.
Dark nights
strangling woods
yet a streak of light.

Monday, August 28, 2006

IS that you?
I thought you were warm and friendly.
But you have a stern face, You never seem to have cried.
Do you know how crying feels?

You know everything, dont you?
Can you tell me my future, I am scared.
Do you know how it feels when all you can see is black?
Can you see me? can you hear me? Do you understand what I say?
Then why cant I hear you?
Where is your voice? Will you kill me?
I am scared.

Friday, August 11, 2006

This binds me, this cage of life
growing, adulthood, marriage, death,
the whole cycle.

Forever I am running into adulthood,
running after love, after money, after death.
When death comes I run after life.

What is this process of becoming?
You live, you die. Who remembers who?
Such a mad rush. Running makes you mad,
You run to a psychiatrist. She is running too,
she wishes she could be you!

The world is running in different directions
hahaha, to end at the same spot!
But running can't stop, it's the elixir of life.
You stop running and you die alive!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Choking, choking, choking
Help! help!
still choking, rope snares
choking harder

Hands beat, no rescue.
Choking, choking.
Legs are free, yet no rescue.
Need a human hand, but no human anymore
Chokinh, choking.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Demanding Honey.

Can you not love me the way i want?
I don't want flowers or chocolates,
I don't want money or clothes,
Can you listen to me?

"I am listening, honey, tell me."
Can we be always together, far away in the woods
where no one can intrude?
"Yeah, sure Honey, always."
Honey smiles.

Do you see my new painting, this is how
I felt when we met for the first time!
"Yeah, it's too blue, could have been a little red or something,
But its nice"
You held my hand and I felt..
"I need to go honey. It's nice."
"There's work, we need money".
Yes love, money. When do we meet?
"When there's no work".
When will there be no work?
"When there's money."

And we? "What honey?"
"Oh Honey!"
We need money, there's Honey now,
Then no money. There's money now,
Then no Honey.
Honey, money, money, honey
"I still love you, Honey"
I love you too.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

(die, die, die)
No death!

Friday, June 30, 2006

Returns please!

"Oh, you have a girl? How sad, bad returns!"
Mama says, "No, no, I'll bring her up like a boy!"
Mithi is a grown up now.
Mama shouts, "Where are the returns, where are they?"
Papa shouts, "Oh I told you,it's all a waste!
Can't cook, only eats at twenty-five!"
Mithi stares. Mithi sobs. Mithi has no returns.
But Mithi has dreams.
Papa snares,"Dreams, is it? Isn't it enough that you have ruined ours?"
Mama groans, "Go away, Mithi, we don't want you! such a burden!
Won't marry,Won't die,Won't leave this place!"
Mithi looks to God. God laughs, "That's how it is meant to be!
Just do your duty, don't expect returns!"
Mithi is all alone. "Can't I die?" She wonders.
Can't dream, can't think, held up for feeling!
"oh, it suffocates!" she yells.
Papa yells, mama yells, Mithi yells.
They all yell..aaaaahhhhhhhhh
But who's listening?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Sweat trickled down my nape. That was good, I thought. But it was not the way I wanted it to be. I wanted it slow and deep, each kiss resting on me for around five seconds. But yes, that is the man I love, so I shall let it pass. I flushed it all out and went to my seat. Tring! Tring!Tring!
"Hello, this is Shyamala from Novice Cross, may I help you?"
"Yes, I want find a restaurant or some place that sells rum cakes".
"Just a sec..." I was still thinking of that salivating mouth, why did I do it?
"There's one at Bandra, the number is 2642..., then you could try Dadar 2413...,
Matunga, VT, Shivaji Park...Alright M'am?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"M'am could I have your email address?"
Vishal_06, oh my holy God, what am I writing! "M'am please repeat it."
"Ok, we have an offer for a hair-cut at..."
"Sorry, not interested!" Bang!
Bloody bitch! Let her call again for rum cakes, I shall shove it up her ass!

I stared down at the keyboard, my fingers moved on keys, whether it's 'A' or 'B' I type depends on where my finger falls at this point in time. Who was doing this to me? What is the difference between me and the keys?

The train journey ended. That was a nice woman, she gave space to that little girl to stand. The world is still good. I was trying the keys when the door opened. It was mother. "Hey shyamu, how was your day?"
"Good ama." "Did you have yor lunch?" "Hmm, some fruits, no time".
"Everyday I take so much trouble to cook and then go to work and look at you. Do your own work!"
"I am sorry I really had no time. Is there anything to eat?"
I was handed a plate with some food. I surfed the channels.
The routine began. "What are you doing with your life? You need to study, this job of yours is so tiring. But you need the money. You know, my office Lakshmi's daughter, she is engaged. They found her a boy and they met in the US. When will you get married?"

I got up and washed my plate. I locked myself up in my room. There was R.K. Narayan to read and Marquez and Tendulkar... God! Exam was in a month's time. I didn't know when I was going to get leave. Bang, bang! "Shyamala, drink your milk!" Holy fuck! Why doesn't this woman get away from my life? She will start again! I opened the door, grabbed the glass and drank it.
"You never want to talk to me. You are not a guest in this house. You have to do all the house work, you get it? There are so many clothes to wash. I need help! Are you ever going to study? You are not even doing that!"
"I am.." "You will keep studying all your life and be a burden on us! When are you going to get settled? All my colleagues' children are settled. One is an engineer, the other is doing his MBA, what's with you?"
"I don't like it!"
"You would have found a nice boy there, someone of your level, but no..."
"You don't do an MBA or Engineering because you want to get boys!"
"yeah, you will rot here. What happened to Manisha's call? Are you taking up that production job again?
"I have my exams in a month, I have ten novels to read!" And banged the door.
"You always.... that went on.

I picked up my cell phone. "Vishal...(sob, sob)I can't handle this anymore."
"What happened now?" "My mom has started it all over again. I have my exams in a month. I don't like this job... my life sucks! It is always her friend's daughters and sons... does she see what their parents are like?"(yell).
"Why are you shouting at me?"
"I am not, I am not shouting at you. I am fed up! I want to die!"
"Ok, listen you know you need to study, just block your mind, will you?"
"hmm...I don't know how to..."
"Come on now...ok listen, I am in the midst of debugging, I shall call you after I get home.."
"Listen.. I am feeling terrible..."
"Tch, Please wait for an hour..."
(Sob, sob)...Okay! The cell phone fell with a bang. "Aaahhhhhhhh....ahahhhahhhh"
I took 'Hanuman Chalisa' and stared at him. Are you going to put my life in place, are you? (howl) I began reading it..."Jai Hanuman..." I felt better. I took "The Bachelor of Arts" and began reading. I wished that my parents were like his father who never forced him to do anything... tring! tring!
"Haan, ok."
"When did you reach?"
"Just now."
"I shall have my dinner and call you."

I stared at the syllabus. I can do it, I thought. I need to call Sameer sir, he shall help me. Oh God, it's midnight already. Tring, tring...
"How are you feeling now?"
"Can I go to sleep?"
"Yeah...Can you not talk for five mins?"
"Hmm, what?"
"Can we marry? I want to get away from this place... I want a house on rent.. I don't want to marry...(sob, sob)"
"Ok, we will marry. Don't cry."
"Can you not give me some reassurance?"
"See we will marry... but not right now."
"I know, I am not talking about that... About my problem."
"What prob?"
"Tch... Vishal.... why did you call?"
"Your mom? See, she has that habit, ignore it."
"Don't you see it affects me?"
"Yeah, should I tell her to stop it?"
"She won't listen. She thinks it's for my good. I am scared. I have so much to read and every bloody day she will do this."
"Just tell her to stop it till your exams!"
"Is that a solution Vishal?"
"No. Listen it is one, and I need to sleep now. You should also sleep."
"Yeah...can you talk for five more mins?"
"Tch... yeah..."
"Say something nice!"
"I am sleepy, I cant think."
"Ok....say somehing naa"
"You can make it!"
"ok...Go to sleep."
"Luv u"
Luv u"
"Sweet dreams"
Light still blinks on the cell and slowly fades away.
I stared at the pages. Let me sleep I thought. Tommorrow I shall do it.

Who's a grown up?

When I say my father beat me
"Grow up, grow up", they say.
When I say my mother has stopped loving me
"Grow up, grow up", they say.
When I say my teachers abase me
"Get over it and grow up", they say.
"Will you please not criticise me?"
"Oh, that's for your own good,
how will you improve?", they say.
"It worked with Neeta, it will work with you too!"
They throw what I have written, they jeer at my thoughts,
they laugh at my ambitions, they know what is right for me.

I cry, I whine, I fret in darkness
I sulk, I howl, I melt with sadness
I find no God, I find no love
"It happens to everyone, grow up", they say.

How does one grow when all is same,
when the mirage of light empties itself in the night?
well, which of them is grown up?
They repeat all that people have done and do.
If that's all one does on growing up,
Then bliss seems to rest with a child that causes no pain.

Monday, June 12, 2006

It all started at Mussorie. The days here were entertaining. I was searching for something. I still can't locate what I was looking for. Then it was Dehradun and then Sankri. I just couldn't handle the bus-rides, really a strenuous means of transport. I woke up at six in the morning, had break fast at six thirty, packed my ruksack and left the site by eight. This was the routine for almost twelve days. I always wondered why did I choose this and not something else. I guess one needs a routine to escape another!

Walking is a great experience, a sense of movement forever. The mind is in your control, because all you want to think about is placing the next foot so that you don't fall. Like our guide Shahrukh said on the first day, the technique is "Peeche ka per aage rakhte jao!"

The place that I will always remember is Kedar Kantha,a place where the clouds touch you, a place where the sky chages its colours every minute, a place where the Sun feels like a ball you can touch, a place where the breeze smells of the divine, a place where you can feel God! The place echoed of Raag Kanada, all its swars could be heard very clearly. Then I lay on the rock and a hand touched my right cheek. It was a loving touch. I felt like a child once again, playing in the lap of my grand parents. I opened my eyes and saw no one, may be wind just touched me, may be God, may be my grand father. I could see him everywhere, hear his voice, feel his touch. I felt like a child again, carefree, living in the moment, nothing to think about.

Dhunda, Talauti, Seema, Har ki Doon, Seema, Taluka and then back to Sankri. This was the course of travel. All these destinations were unique in their feel. The route to Har ki Doon was enticing. I could visualise a naayika sitting on the banks of the river Rupin and playing with the water. I didn't know what she was thinking about from her look, may be her nayaka, may be her work, or just nothing. The wild flowers on her head just looked beautiful. Unkempt hair, the body lying on grass feeling the water splash and just staring up at the sky. The naayika didnt need anything or anyone, all by herself she had achieved this state of calm. I just admired her and moved on. She stared at me and smiled.

Back at Sankri the time seemed to have stopped. Eleven days in between were part of a different time frame. Everything was back, the thoughts, the feelings, the person. My tears couldn't hold themselves back. They poured, I knew the reason, but I couldn't do much. Everyone asks me now, "How was the trek?" I frankly don't know, because time never moved since then!

Monday, May 08, 2006


Gopal stared expectantly at Raman. There was a slight smile on his face.
"Is everything alright, Raman?"

Dr. Raman was known for telling the truth, which is why all the patients went to him. How could he lie now, even if it were his best friend on the death bed?

"It all depends on God."

Raman's wife started howling when she heard this.
"Please, please don't say that."

She pulled him aside and begged him to say the truth!
"Just tell him once that he will be alright and he will be!"

Raman just pushed her away, he had told the truth. His friend wouldn't survive. she was trying to fight his thirty years of medical experience. Nobody could survive a third heart-attack. He stood at the door and stared at the sky, not even for a minute did he think that this time there might acually be some hope.

"Raman", Gopal called, "Please call the lawyer. I need to change my will, you about my family problems, don't you?"

Raman held his hand. "I will", he said. He called his assistant and asked him to get the lawyer.

Gopal looked at his friend again.
"Raman, please say that I will survive. I don't want to leave my wife and children alone! help me live!"

Raman ran out with tears in his eyes.
"Why can't Gopal accept the truth?" He thought. It is difficult, but it is the truth.

The lawyer came and changed the will. Raman had said that there will another stroke at two in the morning. Gopal was waiting for it to be two. He had waited patiently for one and a half hours, constantly thinking whether Raman was really speaking the truth.

"But he is a doctor, he knows evrything." He thought. "My hopes are false hopes."
He looked at Ganpathy's photo on the wall. "Please God, please say that he is wrong."
But he is the doctor said his mind. The clock struck two, the stroke came as expected.

Gopal's wife prayed for his life, expecting him to die. Gopal tried to fight the stroke, but his mind told him that he was going to die, Raman had confirmed it. So he gave up fighting.

Raman had kept the pandit ready. His assistants were also ready for the 'last rites' with the tubes. They heaved a sigh of relief, it was their turn to do the job. Raman cried, but was happy that his prediction was just perfect as usual.

Gopal's truth was different and Raman never thought of it, nor did Gopal. How could Gopal, the doctor had given his word.
(please refer to R.K Narayan's 'Malgudi Days'for the original version of the story, called 'The Doctor's word'.)

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Plup plup plup plup plup...
the feet go on, splashing.
Dead feet float underneath
scared you reach the other end
trying to hold the wall.
Faces hang on top
are they dead?
Am i dead?
But they seem to talk
you can hear the words.
plup plup plup plup goes on.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Some Haiku:

Dark bushes
Expectant eyes,
Making love.

Soft skin
smooth hands,
Where will they stop?

Closed Shutters
Hanging rope
Yet no death!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Why is it that you don't go away?
It seems like you feign liking
But then you seem true.
There were times I plucked out petals and leaves
to guess your love for me.
They revealed nothing.

Your eyes wandered in mine.
What were you seeing?
Every revelation of yours sounded the way I felt
Did your lips say something? May be your eyes did,
may be your hands, may be your words?
may be, may be, may be, may be
Just say it now.
I want to tell you how happy I was to hear your voice.
I want to tell you how beautiful you looked when i saw for the first time.
I want to tell you how I guessed what you thought about me.
I want to tell you how angry I was when I heard what you said against me.
I want to tell you how sad I was when you didn't talk to me.
I want to tell you that time seems to run when you are with me.
I want to tell you that I enjoy listening to you.
I want to tell you that I want to listen to your voice always.
I want to tell you that I wait for your words.
I want to tell you that I loved you.
I want to tell you that I always want to see you.
But do you want to listen?

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Isn't Art supposed to make you humble? Doesn't Art make you realise how insignificant you are in its vast ocean? How come, then most artists are obnoxious people?
They always lament that nobody ever recognises their talent and nobody has been fair to them, don't they ever wonder if they are fair to others when they have an opportunity to be so? Of what use is their art if they haven't learnt to be just, to be humble? Of what use is any art?