Thursday, August 04, 2005

I contemplated running away from there so that my mother could never find me. But then I thought, I could never be with my grandparents if I ran away. So that wasn't a viable solution. There wasn't any solution, I just had to follow what was told to me. I tried reasoning it out with my mother, I asked her how I could reverse this decision, could we return that leaving certificate? She told me that even if we returned it, my uncle didn't want me to stay there. But I said that the house was my grandfather's and he could let me stay if he wanted to. How could my uncle have a say in it and why was he deciding for me? My grandfather said that the house wasn't in his name. Name, what name? Wasn't he the eldest in the family? He said he was, but that was it. Nobody could rescue me from this. Everyone else decided my fate. Everyone else decided where I should stay and with whom and for how long. But I had to live it all. I wished, then for the first time, everyone else other than my grandparents dead. I never realised that they all were my grandparents children.

The days were running. At that time some of my cousin brothers came to stay there. The elder one was eleven and the younger one was three years old. I really liked the younger one, he was cute and chubby. We would play together. Suddenly I marked a change in my uncles' behaviour. They were very nice to both my cousins. I wasn't allowed to rest my legs on the wall but they were. I wasn't allowed to scream or throw tantrums but they were. I just ignored it. My uncles then decided to take them out as my cousins were getting bored. I was excited that we were going out. I was all ready with my clothes and shoes. My cousins and my uncles just shut the door to my face and disappeared. I was never a part of their plan. They were anyway planning to get rid of me. My aunt Vidya, who dressed me for the occassion asked me why I was left behind. I told her, "I don't know." I wanted to drown somewhere and hide my face. I was the most hated person there. I went to my grandpa and asked him to take me out. He and I went walking in the evening. And we talked and talked. By then a realisation dawned on me, being a child meant being powerless. It meant being ridiculed for thinking and expressing one's opinions. I thought to myself then that I would slap my uncles one day when I became as big as them. I would hurt them too. Then I looked at my grandparents and loved them even more.

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