Sunday, April 24, 2005

I don't know why i am writing today, may be because you mean a lot like my grandpa. I love you thatha. He is not with me in body anymore but lives in our minds, in our hearts., he is immortal, like Virginia Woolf 's Mrs Ramsay in To The Lighthouse. Great people live, so do others, but great people impart pleasant memories. I didn't want to see my grandpa breath his last, so i didn't. I am happy I could stay awake with him through those nights. I realised how much I could love a human being as I never felt like i was cleaning his shit, it felt like I was serving him. It is Hanuman Jayanti today and my grandpa has gone to my 'Ishta' Devtaa,. My grandpa is a great devotee like Hanuman, I think that's why God took him today. I Love God like I love my grandpa. My aunt refused to come. I think all his children have been really blessed to have him as their father and i am most blessed as in spite of not being born to my grandparents, I still got their love. They loved me, they love me more than their children.

I dont know whether I should laugh or cry, he was suffering, this would rid him of his suffering. But I am afraid I can't speak to him in body anymore, but I hear his voice. May be this is what is communication. I will miss seeing him, but he is alive and is with me, like he always was and he will be. HE is the best, he is my father, my God, my friend, my confidante, my mentor, my love. He is the greatest human being who can look beyond himself and understand others for what they are. Of course, one doesn't expect him to step completely out of this patriarchal mindset but he has transcended it all. HE is 90 years old and he can accept any deviation in norms of marriage, religion, sex, inspite of being a priest. He is an icon that one should look up to. He knows I love him a lot. I could see my grandmom smiling, they are finally together after almost 9 years. Yes, they were together even in these 9 years in spirit, but now they belong to the same world. My grandmom is there for me... I love them both. Haven't experienced this kind of love before, haven't experienced their kind of story telling, their kind of hands, their kind of feel, their kind of love....

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