Friday, March 25, 2005

Rati sits staring at her watch, time has passed. What is she waiting for? He left an hour ago? may be two hours or three, doesn't matter. She has been sitting right there, wondering why it happened. May be she was drawn to him but it feels different. It isn't anything close to what she knows about it. What do they want from each other? She knows she hates anyone commenting on her appearance, her style, her clothes. She is what she is, then why didn't she react to anything he said? It felt so superficial, she always knew it was ephemeral. She kept saying, this is not going to last. Then what happened? She hates herself now, now that it is over, now that she has put an end to it.

He said, " The protagonist of the magician story cannot be a woman, because it is impossible to show that scar on a woman's chest! And women can't revenge, it is more believable to see a man there." Rati vehemently opposed, "Of course not, Women do revenge. Women feel everything that men do and it is definitely believable to see a female protagonist there. You have no authority to speak for all women." He stared. He then switched to discussing their colleagues, music and so on. Rati followed, she never kept anything in her mind. She knew what she wanted and that's all that mattered. They talked, they sang. She said she wanted to learn Carnatic music, he asked to learn Hindustani, because he hated Carnatic. It seemed to lack flow, for him. To Rati it didn't matter, she said when she finds a Hindustani guru she would learn that too. She likes all forms of Indian classical music.

They met again, they talked. Touch felt straight out of Keats's 'Ode to the Grecian Urn'. But now it seems farcical. It now feels like it was a dream, a bad one. It seems like life's way of playing games. How come she couldn't see through him? It has never happened. All her friends are well-chosen. She would keep distance at the slightest hint of affectation or lack of clarity of direction. She invested emotions on very few people. It is not that she invested emotions here, it hardly mattered in this case, but it is just that she got carried away. She kept telling him and herself that it wouldn't last, because something was lacking. She still doesn't know what it is. She doesn't even cherish the thought of having known him. Why do we just let go of our guard? Her fault was that she believed people very easily. She never wanted to distrust anyone.

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